How to settle conflicts
Psychologist Micheline Dubé suggests 10 little tricks to settle
differences in opinion, undissolved resentment, misunderstandings and the
unsaid things that throw a shadow on the quality of your relationship and
your sex life:
Choose the right moment. When you're home from work, when the
children are yelling or when you're tired are not the ideal time to
discuss problems. Neither is 11 PM, when you're both exhausted and in bed.
You must be relaxed and calm, and you must have access to a respectable
time period when you won't be disturbed.
Talk in a neutral place, a space that is common to both of you.
For example, a walk in a park can be appropriate. However, if one of you
tends to run away when the discussion becomes undesirable, a more
structured setting such as a restaurant might be better.
Be well prepared. Don't beat about the bush. You must be able
to clearly identify the problem or inappropriate behaviour. On this point,
it might be useful to practice with a friend by asking her to play the
role of your spouse. Therefore, when you're in his presence, you will be
less likely to react brutally or impulsively. But be careful: being
prepared doesn't mean you should try to trap him!
Don't assume anything. You must be ready to say things, of
course, but you can't assume that he won't listen, that he won't be
willing to participate in the discussion or that the conflict will be
settled in 10 minutes.
Talk about the problem without accusing your partner. Say 'this
behaviour hurts me' rather than 'you hurt me when you do this.' The idea
is not to make him feel responsible via guilt, but to rather to have him
understand how his actions affect you and your feelings.
Be mature and respectful. Don't use call him names or make
comments like "you're just like your father."
Let your partner express himself. Being prepared is also about
being ready to listen to what he has to say. During the conversation, you
must leave him some space to express what he feels and how he sees the
situation.
Let time do its work. Give him some time to react. Respect the
fact that, after telling him how you feel, he might not have anything to
say at the time or propose any solutions. So leave the door open by
telling him, 'as soon as you're ready, give me a sign.'
Solve only one problem at a time. Keep in mind the reason of
the discussion. If you try to settle several conflicts at the same time,
you risk dealing with more problems, rather than finding solutions.
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