THE FIRST FEW YEARS

 
The first year is characterized by numbness, denial, relief, acute periods of pain, and back to numbness again. This is the divorce roller coaster, which includes periods of euphoria ("how nice to be rid of that louse!") followed by deep lows ("oh my God: she's really gone!"). During the first year, you may sometimes feel like a robot going through the motions of living without really participating in your own life, or like an unwilling passenger on a wild roller coaster ride.

Of course, the first year is characterized by the ever-present reality of dealing with the legal work. To get through it successfully, you really need a split personality: one part of you is grieving and the other is calmly filling out financial disclosure forms. If you have children, they are grieving and adjusting to their new situation, too. You must devote some time to helping them through this painful transition every day -- but don't neglect your own emotional and physical well-being in favor of theirs! You can't help your children if you're teetering on the brink of a breakdown yourself.

After the initial shock wears off, the next stages of recovery are characterized by reorganizing and reexamining your life. You're searching for answers to questions both large and small. Where do I want to live? How will I support myself? Will I be able to make the support payments? Should I buy a new car? Should I go back to school? Who will care for my children if I go back to work? It's a busy time -- one that affords little opportunity for grief when you may still be reeling.

By the second or third year, your life is probably moving along a more predictable path. You may cry or feel sad once a week -- which will gradually become once a month -- instead of once a day. Complete divorce recovery usually requires about three years; some people require less time, and some people never get over it. I have had participants at my workshops who had been divorced for more than a decade without achieving resolution or understanding.

Will you ever "get over it"? With time, the pain and confusion lessens, but expect to be ambushed by grief or readjustment anxieties from time to time. You may be ambushed by grief or anger on your wedding anniversary ten years after your divorce; when your son graduates high school and you and your spouse are sitting on opposite sides of the auditorium; when you see your ex meandering through the park with his new love; on occasion, even after you are happily remarried. But by this time, you'll have learned to move on and leave the past behind.

	1- Early stages 2- The first few years 3- Healing Practices