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 SECURITY WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS |
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My friend
Michael Phillips, author of The Seven Laws of Money and other books,
helped debunk this myth for me personally. He once said to me that when he
looked around at the elderly people he knew and tried to determine who
seemed truly secure, he found that money was not the determining factor.
Of course, he acknowledged, elderly people do need enough money for the
basic necessities of life and for some pleasures and luxuries as well. But
what distinguished these secure old people from the others was that they
were not isolated; they were surrounded by a supportive network of friends
of various ages. Goods and services were naturally exchanged in the course
of their lives. Their friends were glad to take them grocery shopping or
to shop for them; to accompany them to the movies or to invite them to
dinner. So the prime ingredient in ensuring one's security in old age is
social connectedness and lack of isolation, not money.
Helen
serves as an excellent example of what happens when an elderly person
lives with wealth but in isolation. Although she resided in a luxurious
retirement community in Florida, Helen disliked people and preferred to
sit at home all day watching TV and smoking cigarettes. But sometimes she
ruefully observed that because she had no friends, she had to hire people
to take her grocery shopping and to help her with other chores, and she
would be completely on her own in a medical emergency. So even with all
her money, Helen did not feel secure. When she was taken ill with a slow,
debilitating form of cancer, she began to open up to people for the first
time in years. She found loving help and support, and when she died, she
was not alone and finally seemed at peace.
Granted, we do need to
save money for our retirement and/or our later years of life. But if we
understand that money is not security, we'll lose some of our general
anxiety about whether we're squirreling away enough of it. Instead, we'll
be able to redirect some of this energy towards developing more satisfying
and lasting personal contacts and friendships.
Assessing all
the Money Myths in your Life
You are now ready to take a
collective look at all the money myths that have had an impact on your
life. Consider:
What are your most prevalent money myths?
How have they been influencing your life?
How have they affected your love relationships and your relationships
in general?
How would you like to modify these beliefs and the attitudes and
behaviors that stem from them?
What can you do, or what do you need to think about or tell yourself,
to continue debunking the myths that prevent you from making rational
decisions about your money?
Money does not equal happiness, love,
power, freedom, self-worth, or security. Money equals dollars and cents,
and is merely a tool to facilitate your attaining certain goals and having
certain things. If you remember this, you won't be encumbered by anxiety,
guilt, fear, or shame about how to spend, save, or invest your money.
Instead, you'll be able to use your money, both alone and in
relationships, in a rational way that satisfies your real needs and wants,
and that reflects your real values.
This article has been edited and excerpted from Money
Harmony: Resolving Money Conflicts in Your Life and Relationships
by Olivia Mellan (Walker & Company, $19.95). A psychotherapist and
consultant in the field of money conflict resolution, Mellan shows you
how your hidden, intense thoughts and feelings about money may be preventing
you from dealing with it effectively -- and causing major stress in
your life and relationships. This excellent book offers innovative exercises,
dialogues, and other communication techniques to help you make positive
changes in how you think about and deal with money, and to communicate
more productively with your ex about money matters.
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