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Third,
Sort. Sort out how you are going to respond to the question. If it's a
difficult question, this may take some time. You may want to refer to a
book or to a professional to make sure you are getting the facts straight.
Consider the values you want to communicate to your child about the issue.
All questions do not need to be answered immediately although all need to
be answered eventually. You might say, That's a really good question and I
want to make sure I give you a really good answer. I think I'll talk about
it with Dad or look it up in a book.
The key here is to add when
you plan to answer it. Give a specific time: "I'll answer it at bedtime."
Without a concrete commitment to answer the question, a child may conclude
that Mum or Dad doesn't want to answer and may not return with a similar
question. Be sure you have your answer ready at the agreed time and keep
your commitment.
Finally, you get to talk and answer the question.
Always boost a child's sense of self-esteem by telling them that the
question is a good one - even if it is the last one you expected or wanted
to hear. Then give them the facts. This is usually relatively easy. If you
don't know the facts or are unsure, look them up, perhaps with your child.
Sometimes saying particular words, like penis or vagina, may make you feel
uncomfortable. Practice saying them in front of the mirror a few times.
If your child is a preschooler, start with a few facts. Your child
will ask if she/he wants to know more. Older children want a more complete
answer without too many gaps. However, they too will ask more questions if
the gaps puzzle them.
Facts are followed by talking about your
values. This step is most difficult. It is easier if you have sorted out
your values before questions arise. Values around issues like
masturbation, homosexuality, the right age to have sexual intercourse,
nudity, pornography, body image etc. etc. need to be explored. Discuss
them with your partner to ensure that the messages delivered to your
children are as consistent as possible. If you don't add a value message
to the question, your children will learn them from friends and the media.
These messages may not agree with your own.
Adolescents, who may
rebel against parent's values for awhile as a normal part of their
development, still desire value messages from their parents and consider
those that are obviously well thought out as most important, usually
returning to them post-adolescence. Finally, add the expectations you have
for your child's behaviour based on those values. For instance, your value
on when it is o.k. to have sex may be based on love but not necessarily on
marriage. You would then add, that you would prefer that your son/daughter
waited to have intercourse until they were sure they were deeply in love.
Although you are suggesting a behaviour based on your values by saying
this, it is not absolute. You are telling them what you would prefer, but
the decision is still up to them. It may be difficult when your child then
asks, "How do I know when I am deeply in love?" That discussion will have
to wait for another article but give it some thought because it is sure to
come up.
By following this guide, the impression that your answer
will give will be sure to LAST. More Tips to Talk will follow in future
articles.
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