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 A CHILD'S REACTION |
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According to Engel, the children might feel
like they're being replaced by a stepparent. "Teens may have become more
mature in a single-parent family, and had more responsibility looking
after things," she says, "but the stepparent may make them feel demoted.
When the adult steps in, they might feel as if they've lost power. So
the child will strike out, and the circumstance, not the adult, is to
blame.
"Understand that the hostility may not be personal," she continues. "The
children may feel that they're losing their parent. It's very important
to make time for parents to be alone with their own children, to show
that they're not abandoned; meanwhile, stepparents should build a history
of common interests and create some one-on-one time, too." A common mistake
is to assume the family must do everything together, she adds. "Kids need
time with friends and their natural relatives. There's no problem with
the father going away with his own children on a trip, for example. Everybody
can get along by combining and compromising interests."
Don't let either your devotion to your own children or getting to know
your spouse's let you forget that you have a new spouse, too. Some stepfamilies
sacrifice their marriages for the kids' sake. "There's an old joke that
stepparents don't have their honeymoon until the end of the marriage --
when the kids have grown," says Dr. Engel. "You have to nurture the marriage
as well. Take a walk after dinner or go to a movie. Or have the children
spend time with their non-residential parents on the same weekend, so
you have a child-free weekend together." If the marriage is shaky, effective
stepparenting will become impossible.
Because there are so many different types of stepfamilies, what works
for others won't necessarily work for you. "There simply isn't one model
that works in every situation," Dr. Marshall admits. "You can't teach
a course in it, like with first-time parenting, because the issues aren't
as predictable. There's a world of difference between a stepfamily with
one three-year-old and one with four teens from different families." It's
your and your spouse's responsibility to write a script for your own situation.
If you can't, enlist the help of a counselor -- preferably one who has
experience with stepfamilies.
Getting in step
According to Dr. Engel, "Adults all want the same thing: they all want
supportive relationships, and they want to rear happy, healthy children.
Stepfamilies aren't as big a risk as the media make them out to be. People
are trying harder now to work together, much more and much earlier. Typically,
it takes a number of years, but they do it."
It takes a great deal of time, adaptability, understanding, patience,
and open-mindedness to have a happy stepfamily. Along the way, accept
that there are going to be problems and awkwardness. Make a commitment
to nurturing your marriage, and to raising happy, well-adjusted kids,
and don't be afraid to ask for help -- from your spouse, family, friends,
or a professional counselor if necessary. Your goals (a happy marriage
and happy kids) are too important to forfeit by suffering in silence.
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