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 SUPPORT SYSTEM |
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Dr. Engel
also debunks the notion that a stepfamily is like a first family. "A
stepparent is a support system for the parent," she explains. "Some new
stepparents mistake their roles: maybe the woman wants to be the rescuing
fairy godmother, or the man wants to make the kids shape up their
behavior. But that's not your role -- you're just an assistant.
Nevertheless, you're deputized. The other extreme are the stepparents who
do nothing because they think they're not in charge. But you have to be
the responsible adult when the biological parent isn't there."
Dr.
Marshall, who himself lives happily in a stepfamily, believes that the key
to surviving the situation is to be realistic. "You have to get rid of any
preconceived notions about what a family ought to be," he explains.
"Instead, say, 'what kind of family are we going to be?' You must be very
flexible and willing to adapt. You never know how close a relationship
might become -- you and the stepchildren might just stay polite strangers,
for all you know. Don't try to force things into a particular mold. Lots
of people live in families in which they don't necessarily 'love' each
other, but they make it work."
This doesn't mean your stepchildren
won't eventually grow to love you, or that your children won't learn to
love your new spouse. But remember that a stepfamily is composed of two
different families from separate backgrounds. "A frequent problem is when
people want the stepfamily to blend straight away," observes Dr. Marshall.
"You have to respect the old family, because the relationships between the
natural parent and his or her children are very close. They need time to
be the old family as well as the new."
And Messinger points out,
"Often, the partners are at different stages of their lives, and have
different attitudes towards child-rearing. Too many couples believe in the
myth of the 'instant family,' or 'instant love.' It will take time for
them to feel like a family. It requires a lot of planning in advance to
avoid disappointment."
So don't expect to become the Brady Bunch.
"Families don't blend," says Dr. Engel. "They combine, they expand, but
they don't blend." So you should figure out what your (or your new
partner's) role is, rather than making assumptions.
Set ground
rules
So how is your clan going to function? Well, since
conventional "family rules" are out, you'll have to make some new ones.
Experts say that clear, all-inclusive plans are necessary to make a
stepfamily work. Who spends time with whom, and when? What rules apply to
everybody; what rules don't? What is everybody's role in the family? What
are the budgeting/disciplinary/recreational systems?
"The couple
needs to establish ground rules, like a business plan, and both partners
have to agree on those rules and schedules," says Dr. Lofas. "A common
error is when the couple has no rules at all. But every one of us has
internal rules, and if a situation doesn't function as you want, you get
uncomfortable. Time should be allotted for the parent and children, and
for the couple."
"Communication is so important," stresses Dr.
Engel. "It's essential that the couple talk together on how the household
will operate. The natural parent should provide the information to his or
her own children on house rules, so that it doesn't look like the 'bad
stepparent' taking over." You may experience initial -- if not continual
-- hostility from your stepchildren if they feel you're trying to replace
one of their natural parents. "It's important for your stepchildren to
understand that you're not a replacement for the lost parent, but an
addition," she says.
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