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"The worst thing that parents do is that they don't give the message that no matter what happens, it won't be made worse by telling them ... (Kids) should be able to talk to their parents about it and not expect punishment," he says. Even if parents don't approve of their child's "soul mate," Gordon warns parents not to be too critical. It's OK to deride the person's behaviour if it is offensive, but don't ridicule the person. "Maybe that person is not good, but the chances of reinforcing and pushing the relationship underground are really very great, and that often happens," he says. If all else fails, Chapel Hill, N.C.-based Gordon suggests "exquisite politeness." "If (the person) is not ... very smart, doesn't have very good social amenities," having him or her to the house for an elegant dinner might help reveal the situation. The challenge for parents is to differentiate between a relationship with someone who is wrong and perhaps dangerous to their child, and a normal relationship between their child and someone who the parents might not have picked as an ideal boyfriend or girlfriend. According to Gordon, signs of a bad relationship are meanness and lack of energy or constructive activity -- the teenager can't do homework, eat or sleep. Conversely, energy and kindness are two aspects of a good relationship. Most importantly, however, he urges parents to trust their instincts. Almost inevitably, however, young love fades, and a breakup occurs. Allenbaugh calls it "the royal dump," and if your kid's the one being dumped, you're in for some major drama. "It's so monumental the first time," says Allenbaugh. "They're not at that maturity level where they see it for what it is -- that they will turn around and love someone else."
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